Yeah, it’s been a while.

The problem is, the get a new password if you lost yours routine is broken. Something does not like the ‘key’ it sends you. and it keeps bouncy castle for sale sending you the same key, and the routine keeps telling you the key is invalid.

And then again, I made the notebook notation where I wrote down the ‘new password’ intentionally cryptic (silly me)

So after much frustration, and a little bit of elation, maybe even giddyness when the last attempt actually worked-

Here we are.

Moe is complaining upstairs, “maoww maaow maaow maaaow-”

Everybody else is sleeping. “zzzzzzz zzzz zzz zzz zzzZZzz ZZZZz zzzzz”

And here I am, messing with blogs that weren’t dead, just sleeping. Mercury goes direct tomorrow.

—Jim

Saturday, September 11, 2010.

Wow- this has been tough. I mean I can stop any conversation dead in its tracks with, “My brother in law burned his house down and blew his brains out last Wednesday, how the bleep are you?”

Ouch.

I spent the first couple days feeling like he was standing here, not upset, not overjoyed, I felt like he was relieved and okay with whatever he’d been through. I could have sworn the first message from him from ‘beyond’ was “well, I understand you a lot better now.” And I wasn’t quite sure how to take that.

Did Somebody guide him through a life review and if he had gone into that with any bad feelings or unresolved issues with me or with anybody, had he been able to see the other person’s or persons’ limitations and whatever from a fresh perspective that convinced him that, for instance, I wasn’t a complete and useless idiot?

I also felt like I was in contact with somebody, if not my brother in law, then a higher power who was there with me to make sure I got through this.

And I don’t know exactly what all the insights and ramifications will turn out to be in the end, but I spent three or four days waking up inflatable water slide freezing and shaking to the point where my chest muscles ached from extreme fatigue, almost to the ‘worrisome’ degree.

When I told Cathi about the freezing and the shaking, she said that was symptomatic of a panic attack.

I really don’t think I was having panic attacks. I think I was reaching for my brother in law, searching him out in the next world, and, if I wasn’t fully remembering what we might have said to each other, I felt like I was making positive contact, that either he was okay with being wherever he was or that I’d been able to convince him that he didn’t have to punish himself.

The newspaper article said he had photos of my sister and their daughter (who’d died in a fire before her 6th birthday in 1996) clutched in his hand when they found his body.

I did come away from that feeling okay about myself and him.

But then I heard that he blamed my niece (his step daughter) in the note he’d left.

And I couldn’t get her on the phone.

Email messages back and forth to my sister, Nancy, in Connecticut kept me worried.

And a birthday card from our ‘adopted’ sister Diane in Connecticut with her phone number led to a phone call that made me feel like I have decent friends and they have a decent friend in me and we’re good for each other. And if things might not exactly be ideal on this planet at the moment, at least we’ve got each other.

But I’m still worried about my niece. I’m worried that she didn’t try to call me (I’m pretty sure she has the phone number that should be a free or at least cheap call for her.) I don’t know whether this means that she’s okay or she’s really in bad shape.

Suicide leaves survivors in a rough state. I mean, even if we feel like we were totally blameless and the person who killed himself or herself was out of touch, deluded, or whatever, we still have to deal with a deep down, “-well, maybe I should’ve realized that his or her actions were a scream for help. Could I have done anything to help? Was there anything anybody could do? Was it just his time and if he hadn’t stuck a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger, would he have been killed by a drunk driver? or a stray bolt of lightening?”

I can’t blame him for anything. I don’t feel compelled to climb up on any phony pulpit and deliver a silly sermon demonizing anybody. (This may be a large dark blot on the consciences of anybody who works for a bank or a mortgage company. This world’s ‘accepted’ ‘economics’ philosphies and/or practices hammered the nails into his coffin more effectively than the gun manufacturers or bullet manufacturers ever could. Oh, yeah, that was the final straw. They foreclosed and sold the property and told him to get out or they’d send the cops and drag him out. Should I hope the person who bought the place has an intensely painful psychological run of things? I’d never want to live any place where a previous owner had been forced to leave by some arbitrary human laws that give banks and greedy powerful ignoble immoral/amoral bastards domain over property that should never be considered theirs in the first place. But it’s not for me to judge. (I said with an impish, nearly demonic, grin).)

As far as I can tell, my brother in law really really wanted to be with his wife and daughter and would have found some excuse to get there ‘by hook or by crook’. And I don’t think any reasonable person could have expected me to be able to know the time and place when he decided he was really going to do it, and everybody pretty much knows I can’t teleport myself there and teleport all the guns and bullets and knives and pills into some other dimension- (Or teleport the brother in law into some warm and fuzzu, friendly, safe environment, this side of heaven, where a determined individual such as himself couldn’t get his hands on anything lethal.) But I am worried about my niece.

And I’m walking around with this sense of dread, like maybe in the process of contacting my dead brother in law I picked up a little bit of his state of mind and now need to work that off, and it won’t kill me, but it won’t be a snap, either.

And then again, this is earth and the vibrations out here are still pretty weird and messages from the Divine realms some times get twisted and distorted and I’m probably going to have several days if not weeks or feeling like all the fuses in my nervous system have been blown, and a cloud of ‘pins and needles’ is hanging around my head and neck and shoulders and I will be very vulnerable other’s negative states of mind. (but at least I won’t believe their depressions and delusions are ‘mine’.)

I feel like I need a lot of sleep. But I’ve got too much that I have to do, first. & In the last few days I haven’t been waking up shaking and freezing, but I’ve been waking up aching, almost severely.

—sigh,

God Bless us. We surely need it.

—————Jim

Friday, September 3, 2010. (hot and muggy in Arnprior, promise of thunder storms later)

— Thankfully, I couldn’t get into my email yesterday. (Thankfully because I probably could not have functioned at work last night if I had gotten the news.)

Roger French is no longer “among the living” in this gawd-awful environment.

—Thing is,  I’m hearing some stupid, nasty, judgmental comments about the way he checked out. And, while Roger wasn’t exactly a model citizen aufblasbare spiele according to most idiots’ standards, he certainly was a unique and valuable (if quirky) member of the human race. He had a system of values that did not always align perfectly with my own, but everybody in southern Vermont knew that if they messed with Roger’s family, they would  probably live just long enough to regret that, deeply.

& He was probably worth at least ten of the sort of people who are sitting back and passing judgment here.

— Have a better life on the other side, Roger-

—————Jim

My cousin Glenn, who died just after his 50th birthday in the year 2000, spent what felt like about half an hour with me in dreamland. I think it had something to do with mechanic stuff on cars. I told him he’d been back since he’d died at least once before and he said, “Oh yeah?” and went on to tell me about somebody who shook his hand, but the aufblasbarer wasserpark hand shake was an energy ‘AWOL’ (or something like that, the exact word before AWOL has disappeared from my brain in the time it took me to get to the computer.) I didn’t ask any questions between the time he mentioned the something AWOL and went on to explain that whomever had shaken his hand in that manor wanted to check to see if he’d been killed in a car crash or something.

I’m not sure the conversation means a heck of a lot, but I always appreciate these visits and my cousin Glenn has shown me some very interesting places on the other side when he’s come around, (Thanks!)

—————Jim

Thinly disguised commercials designed to win political points for politicians with an agenda have been driving me nuts lately, so:

If you hear a politician mouth the aufblasbarer hindernisparcours words “Jobs”, “National Security”, “Freedom” or “Leadership” you might as well dial them out because the chances are at just about 100% that whatever follows will be pure and utter “bullship”.

—————Jim

Wednesday, early ayem, February 10, 2010.

-6˚C / + 21˚F @ 4:00 ayem.

Yesterday (2/9…Feb 9) was Aud’s birthday. ( and Chiara’s). Today is Richard’s (Galdrian). Tomorrow it’s Pammmmmmm, & Joanne and Jennifer Annisiton? (sp?).

Then the 12th is Charles McCauley (Senior)’s birfday.

I have more to say,

but, like usual…

I sat down at the aufblasbares zelt computer-

and my brain went blank.

—————Jim

nobody wants to read/hear that long a string of explitives

or listen to me whine about the weirder side toboggan gonflable effects of this schnarr.

-yeah,

Talk to ya later-

—————Jim

But then- While I was looking through my password notebook (now that’s got to be a statement on something-) it changed its mind and when I glanced back, I was all signed in and ready to rock-

—Now, if I could only jeux gonflables remember what I was going to write here….

—grin

————— Jim

I’ve been fighting a really nasty cold for the past three weeks or more.

Um,

Interesting news about the future?–

Earth may hit a fork in the road in the near future. The “New Heaven and New Earth” theory:

Many of the more altruistic and ethical, moral people parc aquatique gonflable among us will move to the “New Earth”- move into a phase of existance that looks like ‘here’ but is actually a slightly higher dimension.

The greedy and power crazy will stay on the “Old Earth” and go through all sorts of trials and tribulations that the New Earth will not have to experience.

—More later,

—–Jim

So either Domino is that quick and got away or has learned to throw his voice?

Schnarr, the new software requires that you restart your computer now.

Call it a security update, nobody will structure gonflable question it. hell, you don’t want those evil hackers to take over your computer, so let us do it. (we’re your firends in the secret government, we’ve taken over your life and you answer to us. and we answer to no one. bwa hahahahahahhahhahahahaha-)

—–Not Jim (grin)

((And then Safari aborted the restart, because it absolutely had to remind me that I had more than one page open in safari and how could I possibly think I should let those close?))