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"Those whom God hath torn asunder,
let no man join together" our poor priest intoned on the day of my wedding,
and I still think it was pretty funny. Was he dooming us to an eternity of being
forever asunder? No, but he was just a bit prophetic.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if
the Lord don't get you, the devil must.......Sorry, that's the Irish in me.
Can't help that. It's been just about six months since I lowered the boom and
officially said enough already; tonight it is Saturday and I am writing
and doing my web wizard things while our progeny play at daddy's. It's quiet,
something I haven't known in a long time. Now that the dust has settled, I am
fulfilling a promise I made to those people who were stunned to discover I was
getting married, and who are now equally stunned by my latest pronouncement.
I'm not a vindictive person, nor am I a bitter person. In my life, of all the people I've known there are really only three I wouldn't give the time of day to unless the world would come to an end if I didn't. He's not one of them. We're still friends, always have been and always will be, I think. Life is too short to hold grudges, and it's too precious to spend it being unhappy. It isn't easy to acknowledge that maybe you're the one who is the reason for someone to feel that way. I was, and though I tried very hard to be what he wanted me to be, I couldn't. I can only be me.
I have a philosophy about marriage.
Basically, it's that the person you marry should be the person you simply can't
imagine living without. They need to be someone you can talk to about anything,
they need to be someone you believe in and can support no matter what
crazy plans they get in their head. They're the one who will hold you when your
world comes tumbling down, who will wipe your tears when you cry. They're the
someone who will listen then tell you their wildest dreams in the dark of night,
head on pillow, and will laugh with you when the feeling hits. They're someone
who understands you; who appreciates you for who you are, not how you should
be or could be or were, but are, and that has to work both ways. Now
that's a recipe for a good friend, isn't it? There's more. Most of all, there
has be that "spark", that magical, heart thumping, beaming-smile-generating
wow! you feel and they feel when you're together. The indefinable something
that goes beyond personality into the realm of chemistry and spirit.
Now take someone whose vision is the greater picture, the world at large, someone whose mind is razor sharp and understands that the answer to all of life's ills lie at the very crux of existence where molecules link in the great dance of energy that swirls in spaces much too small to see. These are facts, and they are real. There is a purpose, and a formula, and a reason behind all of that.
To be a creative person by nature, that's something inborn and it's a personality. To be a logical person, that too, is how a person's brain is wired, and it's a personality. Both valid, both necessary, and two ends of a long spectrum who see the world through very different lenses. And the truth of it is, when what is fundamentally important to one isn't to the other, you deny that person's very essence of being.
We came from rather different upbringings. I had to learn how not to show emotion, and that was very hard since I am an expressive person by nature. And me, I bugged the hell out him, always looking for affirmation when of course he loved me, we're married aren't we? Yup.
So anyway, there came a day when it dawned on me: you can't make somebody love you. So I gave up. And when I did, I felt better.
The biggest criticism I've had has to do with the children. But you have to understand, that when things aren't going well, and one or both people withdraw, it's the children who suffer the most. One of them said to me once, "I wish I had two daddies - my real one, and Drew Carey" ('cause he makes me laugh), and once, when I was angry, I was asked, "if you hate him so much, why did you marry him?" I said, I don't hate him, I just don't like him very much right now. But then the questions got to be harder, things about divorce, and tears about why we never went out anywhere together, and you can't raise healthy children in that atmosphere. I knew that all of this was because of me, and when I wasn't there he was good to them, so I knew that we would all be better off it we went our separate ways.
A couple of weeks ago my daughter said to me, "We had a good weekend. Daddy's happy!!" and I smiled and I said, I am too. That's why I did this. And she finally understood. So now you do too, I hope.
When I said we were getting divorced,
the first thing my daughter said to me was, "are you going to get married again?"
I told her that I wouldn't unless it was with somebody I couldn't imagine living
without, someone I knew in my heart would be the person I wanted to spend the
rest of my life with, someone I was sure felt same way about me. So it probably
won't happen, but, you never know. The only advice I gave her was: never, ever,
change your name! That's your identity! Don't do it! She laughed.
©2001 Catherine M. Harris