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Year End Message December 31, 2024

Acquiescence. That is my definition of this year. The business of death can drag on a very long time, and 2024 was the year that I found myself feeling hesitantly normal much of the time. I could be happy, and laugh. I could think of the future, even if every day there was at least some period of time that something would trigger a memory related to my son or his dad, and it’s me back there in the deeps again.

My saving grace had been working from home and being able to step away from the keyboard when something hit too close and I was feeling weepy or ruminating again. Then there started a gradual return to the office and that was okay. Kind of. If the weather was good, and the world was on its best behaviour. I put on the mask and keep going.

I’ll never stop being Ben’s mom, and one thing that weighs on me is that I didn’t get to say goodbye. Not to my parents, not my son, not my former husband who was always a friend. That’s the kind of stuff that goes through my head and it doesn’t take much to have me thinking that way. That’s where the mask comes in. Just the facts ma’am. Just the facts.

January 14th is too close to Christmas, and New Years, and every day, every minute of my waking life, and sometimes, my sleeping one too. The improvement for me is fewer nightmares, and being able to focus on other things for a while. There is solace in the normalcy of everyday living.

 When 2024 started I was dealing with autopsy results that were lost and then found (imagine receiving that in the mail and you open the envelope to read a stranger’s autopsy – never mind just putting something like that in regular mail). My complaint about sending something like that to the wrong address also got lost by it going to the wrong ombuds (my mistake) who supposedly sent it to the right one. Or not. Who knows, I never heard anything else on that matter, other than oh, oops you send this email to the wrong place, we’ll forward it.

The business of death is cold indeed. I still get weird mail forwarded to me, from an address that no longer exists. I’m not going to be renewing that mail forwarding again. The irony of my complaint of the report going to the wrong address that wound up going to the wrong address isn’t lost on me though. Someday, sometime, a version of this will appear in a story, ‘cause that’s what I do when there’s nothing else to do.

Alrighty, that’s maudlin enough. 2024 has been another year of trying to find my footing, and doing what I can to look forward, to continue what I stopped when normal became the beforetimes. The thing is, I’m still that girl who paints, and writes, and plays the guitar badly to the furniture and who sings songs wrote long ago that nobody hears. That’s who I am, I’ll do these things regardless. I don’t know how not to be creative.

One thing that’s become clear this year is how important it is to be myself. I’m still too raw to have the energy to pretend for extended periods of time. Which means I can get into ridiculous conversations about subjects that nobody wants to talk about, when I’m invited to something, lol. I have learned that less is more for me right now. It’s okay to not be fit for polite company.

There’s a push from various corporate and public entities to go to just about or completely full time back in the office, and I’m thinking it’s probably time I charted my own course, decide for myself where I want to be during the day, and what I want to do. Something to consider in 2025.

So for the writing, I put Off-Air on the Blacklist for a little bit to see if anyone in industry might want to read it, and amazingly, someone has downloaded it. Doesn’t mean they’ll like it, but cool. I did submit a couple of poems for consideration too. I’m still slowly working on stuff and yes, the three finished books I planned to publish are still on the table. It’ll happen, I just can’t say when. Same with the paintings still in various stages of completion. All in good time.

In late spring we said goodbye to a wonderful uncle, and my heart goes out to my cousins. He had a good long life well lived, and I’m sure he’s happily back with his beloved wife out in the great beyond.

In 2024 I stuck close to home much of the year; we spent a nice week at the lake of memories with daughter and son-in-law.

It was more of a year of tying up loose ends like getting dental work done, so that we can look forward to our future plans, and hopefully a little more travelling in the new year.

I’m going to stay away from politics and world affairs in this message. What I hope is that people will always approach how they treat others with compassion and kindness, no matter their politics, religion, or whatever else difference. We need to come together in unity as people, making space for the uniqueness that makes our world so interesting. A little tolerance and humility can go a long way.

Here’s to 2025 and all of the good things to come.

À la prochaine,

Cathi

© Catherine M. Harris, December 31, 2024

The pretty pictures and artwork are now on their own page: Art Gallery (I found my cartoons! Amazing Grace is gracing that page now, check it out! Amsterdam Cat also has a larger version instead of just a thumbnail.)